Selfxploration

Inspired by the energy cen­ters exchange I had with my sis­ter last week, I decided to do the same thing with myself. I lied down into my bed, warm under cover and began to lis­ten to my body.

I didn’t want to force any­thing, to force my energy cen­ters or to force my body in any way. I just wanted to feel what was hap­pen­ing and to let it move, to trust that it knew how to man­i­fest the energy and let it go once it had expressed it.

At first, I was feel­ing rather numb and quite tense. The week had been very hard in a way and I hadn’t been very gen­tle with my body. It was as if I was express­ing part of the force I was putting in my work as ten­sion in my body: my body had to be rigid­i­fied, to be con­trolled or I would relax and be lazy. And these ten­sions were begin­ning to be deep rooted in my body.

It took sev­eral min­utes I guess before I could feel some­thing. It was min­gled with the sound of the party in the other apart­ment, with the sounds of the street and Eric typ­ing on his key­board. I noticed sev­eral times that I was turn­ing my atten­tion to my work and I just accepted it, I had no inten­tion to chas­tise my self because I was dis­tracted of my pri­mary goal, so to speak.

This allowance of my energy led me to expe­ri­ence dif­fer­ent aspects of my energy. I real­ized I was split in many parts, and it was as if I had made it in such a way that the dif­fer­ent parts of myself were unaware of the oth­ers. Some of them were want­ing to express in one direc­tion and other in another direc­tion, at times seem­ingly oppo­site ones, con­tra­dict­ing one another and gen­er­at­ing the tensions.

Images were swirling around in my inner vision, dif­fer­ent phys­i­cal sen­sa­tions were flow­ing through my body like rhyth­mi­cal waves, not very har­mo­nious at the begin­ning. Dur­ing this sort of med­i­ta­tion, I could feel myself becom­ing whole again and be parted again and whole again and parted, like a heart beat­ing, I just had to pay atten­tion to the periph­ery because that was where the unno­ticed was hap­pen­ing. Dur­ing the last few days, I had sev­eral times the thought that we are so focused on our pri­mary aspect at times that we don’t know how to change, or how to adapt to knew sit­u­a­tions because this pri­mary aspect is not famil­iar with them. Hold­ing so tightly to it, we don’t allow these less famil­iar aspects, the ones that we express rarely or not at all, unfold and help us in our lives. It only requires allowance, but the nar­rower we think of our­selves, the more dif­fi­cult it is to explore differently.

Sev­eral times my atten­tion was claimed by one side of my body or the other, left, right, left and right, left again, and both at the same time pulling in dif­fer­ent direc­tions, I could feel the ten­sions build­ing and I didn’t know what to do so I just expe­ri­enced it.

It faded out grad­u­ally as I wasn’t adding energy to it, it was like a wave of energy. I noticed sev­eral times that these waves were reflected in my envi­ron­ment, more noise from the neigh­bors, a car in the street or Eric turn­ing on some hard rock music

All of it passed by.

Tem­po­rary nui­sance… or not, the dif­fer­ence wasn’t so clear actu­ally. I could decide that it was annoy­ing or just a sound.

When I focus like that on my energy, I usu­ally have dif­fer­ent things hap­pen­ing. Faces appear in my inner vision, impres­sions or details of another life, phys­i­cal feel­ings of repul­sion or attrac­tion or just numb­ness. Col­ors every­where around my body as the energy was puls­ing. My body was releas­ing energy and ten­sions at times as if I was shaken by some elec­tri­cal energy, it could last only a split sec­ond or sev­eral of them.

There is often an unnerv­ing qual­ity in this releas­ing and the first times it hap­pened to me I was a bit won­der­ing what it could be. I don’t nec­es­sary like it and my thought process or my ana­lyt­i­cal aspect of self some­what dis­ap­pear when it hap­pens. Though I observed it that time and I rec­og­nized how I could just let go of my pri­mary aspect with­out los­ing it. I don’t want to dis­card it or put it away, it is only about allow­ing other aspects to sur­face and express, and grad­u­ally I was relax­ing my body and my energy, feel­ing more and more in tune with myself. The pulling by each side of my body became more bal­anced and I could feel the energy begin to flow from one part of my body to another more con­tin­u­ously, more gently.

I then allowed myself to play with my energy cen­ters and it became clear to me that I was some­what crush­ing my chest under some block of energy that I was hold­ing to very tightly. I used the hum­ming qual­ity of my energy, the vibrant energy of these parts of myself that I could feel alive flow through these rigid parts and again the elec­tri­cal releas­ing fol­lowed by a sense of expan­sion. At that time I could hear Eric choos­ing a funny music for the video he was cre­at­ing about his draw­ing process (look at it). I let the fun fill in my body and smiled.

There is a lot more to this expe­ri­ence than I can tran­scribe and it lasted until now and I know I can explore more of myself this way. I always put off the moment when I would begin to play with my energy and estab­lish this rela­tion with myself as gen­tly and as nur­tur­ingly as how I did with my sis­ter last week. It only required that I trusted my expres­sion and my desire.

I could feel new worlds to explore, new ways of express­ing myself and it trig­gered my curiosity.